So today, I went to the doctor's and talked about getting referred to a GIC (note that I said neither "saw a doctor" nor "got referred to a GIC").
I ALREADY have a pounding headache created by bureaucratic fools. This headache will be permanent for a few years, I guess.
My grandfather is dead. I'll write a coherent post about him later.
We're a family of Jewish atheists. Did we take the ashes home from the funeral? Nope. We took home all the extra food and lived on it for two days.
Tuesday, 16 December 2008
Wednesday, 3 December 2008
Half-formed thoughts about Bad Things
Currently, I've been thinking about how people cope with stress and trauma. My grandfather is currently in hospital and failing to respond to treatment, and I just hope that my grandmother isn't behaving the way she normally does when there's a problem (I can't go and see him, because I've got full-blown flu, which would kill off him and half the ward in an instant). I hope she's not being REALLY REALLY EXTRA CHEERFUL and totally dismissive of everyone's concerns - that's what generally happens, and that upsets him (he's unconscious now, so actually I don't suppose it matters).
"My head has fallen off."
"Nonsense! Buck up, you'll be fine!"
My grandmother refuses to read books, or to watch films, that might be at all sad in any way. Now, this coping method is pretty bad on its own - but where does it leave her when something happens that she can't ignore? Does she go completely crazy? I don't actually know the answer to that one, not having been alive at the deaths of her parents.
Note that I'm coping with this situation by mainly ignoring it - that's simply because I can't get my mind to believe it. The doctors have said "Your grandfather is going to die" before, and they've reached that conclusion by grossly underestimating his physical and mental strength.
What about coping with traumatic events in the past? Well, my grandmother "dealt" with that one by not telling anybody about it, until she finally snapped and told the nearest person, who was an eleven-year-old child. Who wasn't allowed to tell anyone how freaked out he was by the revelation, because it was a secret.
Again, not so good.
For people with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and for some people without, there's the issue of triggers - situations or sensations that cause you to recall the event. If it were possible, you'd cope while avoiding these altogether.
However, it's my understanding that, sometimes, you can't really predict when you'll be triggered. Say you were in a car accident that killed your friend - no-one has to mention death, or car accidents, or your friend's name, because somebody who's just shaken your hand at a party is wearing the same strong aftershave as the paramedic who pulled you out of the wreckage.
And that's why a lot of people with post-traumatic stress seem to be coping extremely well - firstly, maybe they can keep a calm detachment when the incidents are mentioned, because words don't necessarily register on that visceral level, and secondly - well, in a way it's all or nothing, isn't it? If you can't predict when something will trigger you, you can't avoid it; you just become an excellent liar in your non-verbal communication.
(These are things that I've learned from talking to people with PTSD and people who wouldn't be diagnosed with it, but have suffered trauma. I don't know anything else about PTSD, please correct me if I say something completely wrong.)
So... my conclusion to this part? I'll try more to ignore irrational-appearing behaviour, I guess, and not treat people like they're insane when they do "go off on one". Actually, I generally do that anyway - everything other people do is equally incomprehensible.
I realise that most people have suffered severe trauma. Get any group of people in a room, somehow get them to trust one another, and you'll hear some awful stories (especially if those people are women/female assigned, because they have the more hideous side of reproduction to deal with, and of course they're more likely to have been raped).
I say that so I can mention that none of what I would consider the more terrible things have happened to me. I'm not trying to compare my experiences to those of those people, and I'm not going to tell you what I'm talking about. In the scheme of things, it's not important enough for anyone to pursue it.
I am triggered by two things that I know of. One is fairly easy to avoid entirely, and another is everywhere - but, here's the key thing, most normal people slightly dislike it. Like the reformed Discworld vampire who knows that "I'd kill for a cup of coffee" is part of common parlance, I can say "Egad, that's so annoying!"
Of course, that can backfire. On many occasions (actually, it happened a few days ago!) I can say "Egad, that's so annoying!" and lots of other people can agree (Hagrid always does, and he has no idea what happens in my head... well, I guess he does now). However, the perpetrator(s) can then say "Lol! You're all irritated! I'm in a happy and childish mood, so I'm gonna do it some more!!!" which is the kind of humour I'd enjoy (anyone seen that comic by the trans guy that proclaims "Failed to Mature"?) on any other occasion.
So, I'm thinking that... if you're reminded of the Bad Things all the time in daily life... facing them head-on might, counterintuitively, be easier than trying to avoid all related subjects. Because the related feelings appear anyway.
That's probably the conclusion that every mental health professional in the world has come to with ease, but meh. I'm going to ignore it, as I'm sure most people do (just not on the same level I described earlier).
You can probably tell that I'm only typing this because I've nothing else to do - too sick to get up. And very feverish, as you can also probably tell. This wandering train of thought actually started with the Worst Film Adaptation of a Novel Ever Made in the History of Cinema, the film of Philip Pullman's "Northern Lights" (the film has a different, goddamned stupid, title, as I'm sure you know).
If you haven't read the books, fine - go and rent the DVD. You'll think it was a reasonable film.
If you have read them, spend an entertaining hundred minutes chewing off your own ears, instead. It will be infinitely less painful.
This cinematic travesty (how is it even possible to hire Nicole Kidman and Ian McKellen! and get something that shite?) is relevant because the story has been systematically stripped of all negativity. Dead child? No, no dead children allowed here, sorry. But the dead child is absolutely vital to the story... quick, play the saccharine music and hope nobody notices that there is now no story!
There's a hideously, appallingly mutilated child, too. That one is even more vital... OK, let's show him for precisely four seconds, with no relevant reactions from any other characters, and move on, and ensure that the film has no atmosphere whatsoever, because then no-one will care about him anyway - LOOK AT OUR CGI!!
My grandmother would certainly enjoy watching that film. But I don't understand what would make it entertaining. The bad guys don't do anything... bad. Well, nothing we can take seriously. So... why are the good guys after them, again? Is it because creepy music plays whenever the bad lady appears, thereby giving them a clue?
By the end of that gloriously cheerful cinematic romp, I'd completely separated its characters from those in the novel, and wouldn't have batted an eyelid if the whole lot of them had exploded.
In fiction, Bad Things musn't be underestimated.
"My head has fallen off."
"Nonsense! Buck up, you'll be fine!"
My grandmother refuses to read books, or to watch films, that might be at all sad in any way. Now, this coping method is pretty bad on its own - but where does it leave her when something happens that she can't ignore? Does she go completely crazy? I don't actually know the answer to that one, not having been alive at the deaths of her parents.
Note that I'm coping with this situation by mainly ignoring it - that's simply because I can't get my mind to believe it. The doctors have said "Your grandfather is going to die" before, and they've reached that conclusion by grossly underestimating his physical and mental strength.
What about coping with traumatic events in the past? Well, my grandmother "dealt" with that one by not telling anybody about it, until she finally snapped and told the nearest person, who was an eleven-year-old child. Who wasn't allowed to tell anyone how freaked out he was by the revelation, because it was a secret.
Again, not so good.
For people with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and for some people without, there's the issue of triggers - situations or sensations that cause you to recall the event. If it were possible, you'd cope while avoiding these altogether.
However, it's my understanding that, sometimes, you can't really predict when you'll be triggered. Say you were in a car accident that killed your friend - no-one has to mention death, or car accidents, or your friend's name, because somebody who's just shaken your hand at a party is wearing the same strong aftershave as the paramedic who pulled you out of the wreckage.
And that's why a lot of people with post-traumatic stress seem to be coping extremely well - firstly, maybe they can keep a calm detachment when the incidents are mentioned, because words don't necessarily register on that visceral level, and secondly - well, in a way it's all or nothing, isn't it? If you can't predict when something will trigger you, you can't avoid it; you just become an excellent liar in your non-verbal communication.
(These are things that I've learned from talking to people with PTSD and people who wouldn't be diagnosed with it, but have suffered trauma. I don't know anything else about PTSD, please correct me if I say something completely wrong.)
So... my conclusion to this part? I'll try more to ignore irrational-appearing behaviour, I guess, and not treat people like they're insane when they do "go off on one". Actually, I generally do that anyway - everything other people do is equally incomprehensible.
I realise that most people have suffered severe trauma. Get any group of people in a room, somehow get them to trust one another, and you'll hear some awful stories (especially if those people are women/female assigned, because they have the more hideous side of reproduction to deal with, and of course they're more likely to have been raped).
I say that so I can mention that none of what I would consider the more terrible things have happened to me. I'm not trying to compare my experiences to those of those people, and I'm not going to tell you what I'm talking about. In the scheme of things, it's not important enough for anyone to pursue it.
I am triggered by two things that I know of. One is fairly easy to avoid entirely, and another is everywhere - but, here's the key thing, most normal people slightly dislike it. Like the reformed Discworld vampire who knows that "I'd kill for a cup of coffee" is part of common parlance, I can say "Egad, that's so annoying!"
Of course, that can backfire. On many occasions (actually, it happened a few days ago!) I can say "Egad, that's so annoying!" and lots of other people can agree (Hagrid always does, and he has no idea what happens in my head... well, I guess he does now). However, the perpetrator(s) can then say "Lol! You're all irritated! I'm in a happy and childish mood, so I'm gonna do it some more!!!" which is the kind of humour I'd enjoy (anyone seen that comic by the trans guy that proclaims "Failed to Mature"?) on any other occasion.
So, I'm thinking that... if you're reminded of the Bad Things all the time in daily life... facing them head-on might, counterintuitively, be easier than trying to avoid all related subjects. Because the related feelings appear anyway.
That's probably the conclusion that every mental health professional in the world has come to with ease, but meh. I'm going to ignore it, as I'm sure most people do (just not on the same level I described earlier).
You can probably tell that I'm only typing this because I've nothing else to do - too sick to get up. And very feverish, as you can also probably tell. This wandering train of thought actually started with the Worst Film Adaptation of a Novel Ever Made in the History of Cinema, the film of Philip Pullman's "Northern Lights" (the film has a different, goddamned stupid, title, as I'm sure you know).
If you haven't read the books, fine - go and rent the DVD. You'll think it was a reasonable film.
If you have read them, spend an entertaining hundred minutes chewing off your own ears, instead. It will be infinitely less painful.
This cinematic travesty (how is it even possible to hire Nicole Kidman and Ian McKellen! and get something that shite?) is relevant because the story has been systematically stripped of all negativity. Dead child? No, no dead children allowed here, sorry. But the dead child is absolutely vital to the story... quick, play the saccharine music and hope nobody notices that there is now no story!
There's a hideously, appallingly mutilated child, too. That one is even more vital... OK, let's show him for precisely four seconds, with no relevant reactions from any other characters, and move on, and ensure that the film has no atmosphere whatsoever, because then no-one will care about him anyway - LOOK AT OUR CGI!!
My grandmother would certainly enjoy watching that film. But I don't understand what would make it entertaining. The bad guys don't do anything... bad. Well, nothing we can take seriously. So... why are the good guys after them, again? Is it because creepy music plays whenever the bad lady appears, thereby giving them a clue?
By the end of that gloriously cheerful cinematic romp, I'd completely separated its characters from those in the novel, and wouldn't have batted an eyelid if the whole lot of them had exploded.
In fiction, Bad Things musn't be underestimated.
Wednesday, 26 November 2008
Kamelot...
... are a great big heap o' fabulous.
I want to write a post about the National Identity Register and its corresponding ID cards, but so frustrated can't construct sentences WORST IDEA IN HISTORY OF UNIVERSE argh.
I want to write a post about the National Identity Register and its corresponding ID cards, but so frustrated can't construct sentences WORST IDEA IN HISTORY OF UNIVERSE argh.
Wednesday, 19 November 2008
Trans Day of Remembrance
It's International Trans Day of Remembrance tomorrow.
(Incidentally, I'm trying to black out this blog for that very reason). Embarrassingly, the top part just will not comply. Can somebody tell me how to do it?)
The list of names for this year:
Kellie Telesford
Brian McGlothin
Gabriela Alejandra Albornoz
Patrick Murphy
Stacy Brown
Adolphus Simmons
Fedra ?
Ashley Sweeney
Sanesha Stewart
Lawrence King
Simmie Williams Jr.
Luna ?
Lloyd Nixon
Felicia Melton-Smyth
Silvana Berisha
Ebony Whitaker
Rosa Pazos
Juan Carlos Aucalle Coronel
Angie Zapata
Jaylynn L. Namauu
Samantha Rangel Brandau
Ruby Molina
Aimee Wilcoxson
Duanna Johnson
Dilek Ince
Teish Cannon
Ali ? and two other women, names unknown
I didn't want to talk about "cause of death" and "age at death" in this post. These people, mainly young women from ethnic minorities, were not born to be murdered. They had personalities, friends, families, interests and passions.
I could link to the few cases in which we have information about one of these people as an individual, but it's always an addendum in a piece about their deaths.
So, all we have is their names. In the cases of most such victims, we don't have even those.
Sometimes, I fantasise that I could be allowed near these people's killers, with a weapon. Any weapon. The murderer of Kellie Telsford is walking free around London...
But the answer doesn't lie that way.
Just... remember.
(Incidentally, I'm trying to black out this blog for that very reason). Embarrassingly, the top part just will not comply. Can somebody tell me how to do it?)
The list of names for this year:
Kellie Telesford
Brian McGlothin
Gabriela Alejandra Albornoz
Patrick Murphy
Stacy Brown
Adolphus Simmons
Fedra ?
Ashley Sweeney
Sanesha Stewart
Lawrence King
Simmie Williams Jr.
Luna ?
Lloyd Nixon
Felicia Melton-Smyth
Silvana Berisha
Ebony Whitaker
Rosa Pazos
Juan Carlos Aucalle Coronel
Angie Zapata
Jaylynn L. Namauu
Samantha Rangel Brandau
Ruby Molina
Aimee Wilcoxson
Duanna Johnson
Dilek Ince
Teish Cannon
Ali ? and two other women, names unknown
I didn't want to talk about "cause of death" and "age at death" in this post. These people, mainly young women from ethnic minorities, were not born to be murdered. They had personalities, friends, families, interests and passions.
I could link to the few cases in which we have information about one of these people as an individual, but it's always an addendum in a piece about their deaths.
So, all we have is their names. In the cases of most such victims, we don't have even those.
Sometimes, I fantasise that I could be allowed near these people's killers, with a weapon. Any weapon. The murderer of Kellie Telsford is walking free around London...
But the answer doesn't lie that way.
Just... remember.
Stephen Fry in America
I'm full of busy, so this one will have to be quick...
Anybody been watching "Stephen Fry in America"?
I think it was the last episode wherein we saw working-class American families eating at soup kitchens along with the homeless, because an ordinary 9-to-5 no longer pays even the grocery bill.
In the same episode, we saw a bunch of millionnaires wittering on about how socialised healthcare and other such things were BadWrong, because charity! and the trickle-down effect! could fix everything perfectly - and one simply needed to ostracise other rich folk who didn't contribute enough to Good Causes. Send 'em to Coventry.
...?
...oh, never mind.
My parents are travelling to the US this week. Because they've got a bit of nouse, they're aware that they'll only see the shiny happy parts. So they won't come home going "Everything's so BEAUTIFUL! And new! And the people are all so polite and welcoming! And we need to move there right now!!!" like I've heard so many deeply stupid white, wealthy, able-bodied tourists do.
On the end of that episode - it's sad that the American Dream still thrives, in a way. At least, the part about the streets being paved with gold. Those people were willing to die for the chance to enter the US - and plenty of them do, every day.
As Hagrid put it - "They want to sponge off the state! And get all the free... um... er... never mind."
I'm sure the tax dollars used to maintain that big fuckin' border fence could pay for a lot of life-support machines or schoolbooks. And if the authorities let in every Mexican in Mexico, and those people thus learned that their choice was between living in poverty in their homeland and living in poverty somewhere else (with added racial discrimination!) they'd soon go away again.
Oliver's Solution To Our Own Immigration "Crisis" will have to wait for another post, if those wishy-washy liberals won't let him simply do a swap - we'll have all the world's asylum seekers and economic migrants if it takes our Sun readers, fox-hunters, traffic wardens, the BNP, Julie Bindel, bankers and... y'know, child murderers and stuff.
Deal, world? Didn't think so.
On another political note, I'm getting into the anti-choice (sorry, pro-life-until-birth-after-which-who-gives-a-fuck?) mindset. I'm currently LRP-ing a pro-life Catholic French minister. While that sounds like lols all by itself, I know, the setting is a world troubled by zombies.
But they're not zombies! They're unfortunate victims of a psychosomatic illness, whom I'm sure can be cured with a little effort! We must keep every single one of them well and happy (Hagrid made the character, as you can tell if you've ever come across any of his more tiresome ones).
Anybody been watching "Stephen Fry in America"?
I think it was the last episode wherein we saw working-class American families eating at soup kitchens along with the homeless, because an ordinary 9-to-5 no longer pays even the grocery bill.
In the same episode, we saw a bunch of millionnaires wittering on about how socialised healthcare and other such things were BadWrong, because charity! and the trickle-down effect! could fix everything perfectly - and one simply needed to ostracise other rich folk who didn't contribute enough to Good Causes. Send 'em to Coventry.
...?
...oh, never mind.
My parents are travelling to the US this week. Because they've got a bit of nouse, they're aware that they'll only see the shiny happy parts. So they won't come home going "Everything's so BEAUTIFUL! And new! And the people are all so polite and welcoming! And we need to move there right now!!!" like I've heard so many deeply stupid white, wealthy, able-bodied tourists do.
On the end of that episode - it's sad that the American Dream still thrives, in a way. At least, the part about the streets being paved with gold. Those people were willing to die for the chance to enter the US - and plenty of them do, every day.
As Hagrid put it - "They want to sponge off the state! And get all the free... um... er... never mind."
I'm sure the tax dollars used to maintain that big fuckin' border fence could pay for a lot of life-support machines or schoolbooks. And if the authorities let in every Mexican in Mexico, and those people thus learned that their choice was between living in poverty in their homeland and living in poverty somewhere else (with added racial discrimination!) they'd soon go away again.
Oliver's Solution To Our Own Immigration "Crisis" will have to wait for another post, if those wishy-washy liberals won't let him simply do a swap - we'll have all the world's asylum seekers and economic migrants if it takes our Sun readers, fox-hunters, traffic wardens, the BNP, Julie Bindel, bankers and... y'know, child murderers and stuff.
Deal, world? Didn't think so.
On another political note, I'm getting into the anti-choice (sorry, pro-life-until-birth-after-which-who-gives-a-fuck?) mindset. I'm currently LRP-ing a pro-life Catholic French minister. While that sounds like lols all by itself, I know, the setting is a world troubled by zombies.
But they're not zombies! They're unfortunate victims of a psychosomatic illness, whom I'm sure can be cured with a little effort! We must keep every single one of them well and happy (Hagrid made the character, as you can tell if you've ever come across any of his more tiresome ones).
Saturday, 1 November 2008
Politics
Oh, I know, one can blog about politics.
Whether one of my best friends excommunicates me or not, I might have to start voting Lib Dem.
Actually, look carefully at the alternatives. The only thing that would have stopped my becoming an ardent Lib Dem supporter is if, when Nick Clegg turned up at the university on Thursday, was if he had said "Hello, Oliver. I'm going to break into your house tonight and eat your cat".
If you actually listen to the man, you'll find out that he's a proper old-style socialist, with some caveats - caveats that I appreciate.
But the man can say what he likes, because nobody listens, anyway...
It's teatime!
Whether one of my best friends excommunicates me or not, I might have to start voting Lib Dem.
Actually, look carefully at the alternatives. The only thing that would have stopped my becoming an ardent Lib Dem supporter is if, when Nick Clegg turned up at the university on Thursday, was if he had said "Hello, Oliver. I'm going to break into your house tonight and eat your cat".
If you actually listen to the man, you'll find out that he's a proper old-style socialist, with some caveats - caveats that I appreciate.
But the man can say what he likes, because nobody listens, anyway...
It's teatime!
Zombies!
I think that our culture is so media-saturated, we now all live our lives backwards. We went to a most enjoyable, and extremely peculiar, party last night... and we spent half of it discussing what headlines would be written if our campus media got the wrong end of the stick (there was only one sofa and about thirty people, so it was a bit of a squash).
I like "President in Five-Hour Halloween Orgy With Transsexual" best. He pointed out that his reputation would probably be greatly increased.
Now, what made this party peculiar? I hear you cry.
Well, the hostess had brought in a student of landscape gardening - who had landscape-gardened the living room. The floor was now a real lawn, and there was a beautiful shrine and grave (those of the teenage years of our hostess, who had just turned 20).
I really have nothing to blog about atm. I'm lacking inspiration on the serious stuff. I could post a picture of my new tattoos when they're healed, I guess. I'm going to go and play Zombie Fluxx now.
I like "President in Five-Hour Halloween Orgy With Transsexual" best. He pointed out that his reputation would probably be greatly increased.
Now, what made this party peculiar? I hear you cry.
Well, the hostess had brought in a student of landscape gardening - who had landscape-gardened the living room. The floor was now a real lawn, and there was a beautiful shrine and grave (those of the teenage years of our hostess, who had just turned 20).
I really have nothing to blog about atm. I'm lacking inspiration on the serious stuff. I could post a picture of my new tattoos when they're healed, I guess. I'm going to go and play Zombie Fluxx now.
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