Wednesday, 3 September 2008

Barack Obama

Look, US politics are important over here, no matter how much we're fed up at how much our media reports on them. Frankly, no-one listens to a small, overpopulated island whose last achievement was the New Wave of British Heavy Metal in the 80s - and OK, a normal person would replace that with victory in the Second World War 45 years before then, but I'm optimistic.

Basically, we have delusions of grandeur. The US has political and corporate sway - and loadsa nukes.

That's why I'm paying attention.

I've heard British people my age, who know a bit about our own political matters, compare the Dems to Labour, and the Republicans to the Tories. No... Political savvy failure. Read both candidates' proposed policies, and all their speeches - with your eyes. Yes, read them.

John McCain is rather closer to Nick Griffin than he is to David Cameron. In his turn, Barack Obama is what we, here, would call a "conservative" - and had his family moved to Britain instead, I reckon he'd be in David Cameron's place right now (actually, he wouldn't - we don't seem to like politicians who are great orators any more. We like ones who resemble confused bunnies).

So... they're not like our candidates. You can't view them as much of a muchness, and it's actually quite important who gets in - yes, for the whole world. You don't like them being that important? Go and do some empire-building for Britain, then, so we can have the political clout instead. Look how well that turned out the first time! We could have another War of Independence... with our armed forces made up of five men and a cat, with one combat boot between all of them. Oh.

So - use whatever influence you have to get US citizens voting for the right candidate.

When I talk to people, I'm not even bothering with "Think of all the poor starving children with no healthcare..." etc. - if they ain't thought of them before, they ain't gonna start now.

North Americans are proud patriots, yes? *wins small prize from Royal Society of Obvious-Stating* So, we need the "Your country won't be the punchline to every joke in Europe" angle.

"You won't have to pretend to be Canadian when on holiday in Europe, so that people don't punch you in the face" (I remember that being common a few years ago, at least).

"No-one will think you spend your days alternately beating your wife and having sex with your sister, taking breaks to take potshots at passing black people".

At posh dinner parties, no-one will say, "I must introduce you to Bob... though he is American".

I think that angle is our slim, but only, chance at success.

Here's Obama, anyway, doing his speechifying at the DNC.

He does seem to have those family values goin' on, incidentally - the family seem to quite like one another, and he's never, as far as I know, divorced a wife because she became disabled (I'm not thinking about anyone called John McCain here at all, tis just an observation).

Anyway, this is enough politics, or my mum will kick me off her blogroll (everyone calling her "little comrade" when she was small kind of put her off - I'm frankly surprised she's not a card-carrying fascist now).

Sarah quite fancies Barack Obama. I'd quite like to look and sound like Barack Obama. A Yorkshire Barack Obama. With a flat cap.

That's another problem with his appeal, apparently. He's in too good physical shape. For fat people. To vote. For him.

Please, America. Don't make this true!

1 comment:

Sarah said...

If you became the Yorkshire Obama, I would probably be overcome with the desire to wear very low-cut tops around you and suggest that we have late-night "meetings" in your office. I'm quite attracted to power. O_o

I like the way you write about politics! Do it more, kthx. [I wish I would write like that. Bleh!]