Education

My mother always said that I could do an English Literature degree with both hands behind my back. She is my mother, so has to say such encouraging things, but now I'm thinking that Gareth (whom I may henceforth refer to pseudonymously as Hagrid) could do the same.

Well, if he was less dyslexic and could therefore spell "literature".

Perhaps that's because we are utterly perverted.

Come ON, I got 100% in an A-level paper on One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest - and what did I write about, for four and a half pages?

Sodomy! Between the characters! In graphic detail! Explaining how I knew that the characters had been thinking about those graphic details.

I'm assuming that, at degree level, you get on to more complicated sexual acts. Like the Reverse Cowgirl, or whatever else you get in Cosmopolitan. Remember that I live my day-to-day life as an (insert derogatory term for homosexual male here) so I wouldn't know about that sort of thing.

Anyway, I'm convinced that Hagrid has significantly more grey matter than I. If I'm absent-mindedly deconstructing a novel at him, or if someone's talking about an author, or whatever, he'll look utterly bored... then come out with a comment of such relevance, perspicacity and insight that I can't quite believe that here is the man that tortured himself for an extra year to get an English GCSE.

I ought to have put my foot down when his parents said "He's going to university in October, despite having appalling A-levels", and he said (looking distinctly unenthusiastic) "My parents want me to go to university in October. They think I'll do well." But, I was only 15 and didn't want to interfere, so I kept my mouth shut.

How much absolute bollocks is this belief that kids with no obvious academic aptitude in school, where you're spoon-fed, will suddenly do OK at university? Seriously, fuck middle-class social acceptance. I knew he'd fail. Everyone knew - but him. He'd been told he'd do well, because... Because what?

He failed. He's got a student loan to pay back, and had no confidence in his own intellect.

He needed to be working. His job now gives him continuous confidence - he's good, and he knows it - he's even got a bit of smugness going on.

I think that what he does is a freaky arcane art. He thinks what I do is even more occult than that. He thinks Crowley would be proud.

This was, originally, going to be some adjectives to describe an archaeological degree, for those unfamiliar with the discipline:

• Difficult
• Very difficult
• Epic-level
• Hardcore
• Financial suicide
  

Yup. I'd say the majority of people on my course are able to go "Aah. That was so intellectually rewarding. Daddy - can I have a share in your multi-million-pound caviar empire now?"

The rest of us will end up knowlegeable and physically fit - to the extent that someone who can't afford food can be physically fit.

What other graduates live on minimum wage forever, and get real, actual trench foot?

Srsly, folks. Don't let your children do it! They have so much to live for!

It's like being a crack addict. Archaeology graduates are poor, whey-faced, and just living for their next fix of obscure pottery types.

Better do my coursework now.