Monday, 18 August 2008

A good cure for insomnia

I'm probably the last person in the UK to see Torchwood. I saw the first episode last week, and the second yesterday.

Now, I made the mistake of assuming that, because Torchwood is a spin-off of Doctor Who, whose new series have all been giant heaps of awesome, it would also be a giant heap of awesome. Perhaps it would be even more awesome, as sex was allowed?

It has been, so far, a giant heap of disappointment instead.

The first episode; yes, quite good. I liked the realistic reaction to an alien creature - "That's a good mask you've got there..." etc. I liked the "CSI Cardiff" quip. I liked the introduction of Captain Jack. It wasn't as good as Doctor Who, but it was a nice thing to be watching in its absence.

The second episode; bloody awful. When I'm watching a series written by Russell T. Davies, or... anyone good, really, I want them to use the best horror/sci-fi tropes in the correct places. When a storyline unfolds containing a trope that is mediocre at best, I want them to mess with it a bit. Add a twist, or some humour.

I don't want to watch the whole, predictable thing to its incredibly dull finale!

The best thing I can say about it is that they'd updated it a little bit. The pale young virgin posessed by the EV0L SEX FIEND now had previous sex partners; and there was some bleating about She's a Person! We Must Save Her! Look, Here Are Her Swimming Certificates To Prove It!

Well, no, because that storyline will never contain a person, will it? She's there as torture porn masquerading as Serious Drama, torture porn for hypocrites. Hmm, mysteriously she wasn't; anything other than classically beautiful, or over a young-looking 18, or a man, or non-white.

Well, now she's being slammed around by said EV0L SEX FIEND, with her blonde curls blowing about prettily.

Well GOSH, now she's doing seriously unattractive lesbian kissing, in no attempt to hook horny heterosexual males at all! Seriously unattractive, because the creeeaking of the plot was so loud, all you could do was point and laugh.

Well, now she's been rescued by the nice man. That's nice.

By then, I was holding my head in my hands, vowing to watch Firefly on repeat *for the rest of my life* to prove that sci-fi TV shows do not have to be this shite.

....wait, hang on, does the EV0L SEX FIEND *really* have to live off only male orgasms? Because female ones are rubbish, or don't exist, or something? Did it *really* just say that?

You know, I can't even be bothered with feminist ire here, because the episode was such an awesome cure for insomnia.

However, I do have a worrying picture in my head of Russell T. Davies masturbating along with Bram Stoker.

But... Davies is gay, right? But, but, why else would he write this crap?


David K said...

ANd I thought this was going to be about wanking. :(

Oliver A. FP said...

Gosh, are you gonna start a blag?

Appreciate my angry analysis or... or... you can't have Hagrid's sexual services.

I'm thinking of pimping him out to pay back my student loan.

aoc gold said...

Boats Sail On The Rivers


Boats sail on the rivers,

And ships sail on the seas;

But clouds that sail across the sky,

Are prettier far than these.


There are bridges on the rivers,

As pretty as you please;

But the bow that bridges heaven,

And overtops the trees,

And builds a road from earth to sky,

Is prettier far than these.

-----by runescape gold