Secret Name?

I'm taking a 20-minute break from work before my brain liquefies.

Does anyone care to explain where, precisely, mine and Gareth's £50 each to the Deed Poll people, and £72 each to the passport people, and all the other fees that we haven't found out about yet, will actually fucking go?

There's no way we can afford that right now!

I think Gareth needs to change his full name too, or else he's getting even less value for money than I am (we're both hyphenating our surnames).

He needs a secret name, like people have in some fantasy settings, that he can't tell to anyone or else they can cast eeevil spells on him...

With my ever so middle-class forenames, and double-barrelled surname, I sound just like one of the aforementioned Hooray Henrys at my university. That's amusing.

An incident from a few months ago has just come back to me - myself, some other bi/gay guys, a couple of lesbian women and a transfeminine genderqueer person are all sitting in my college bar (we're a collegiate university - I'm assuming it's to attract posh folk) after an interminable LGBT meeting. The only noise is its unpredictable sound system, which likes to go VERY LOUD or very quiet at odd intervals, making everyone jump in unison.

Then, a large group of those interchangeable posh boys turn up, with a crowd of admiring interchangeable posh women (reverse-classist? Me? Fuck off or I'll nut yer). They are dressed as Palaeolithic people... OK, "cave men". I'd say they were aiming for the Lower/Middle Paleolithic look, as there's really no room for them in Homo Sapiens.

They are also VERY LOUD, and occupy lots of space, and shove the one poor soul at the bar out of the way.

Now, everyone in our group starts to complain. Lesbians: "Oh GOD, they're so arrogant. And are those girls trying to look ATTRACTIVE? Put it away!"

Lesbians and myself: "And they're rather a disgrace to feminism - there's no need to act quite that stupidly."

Other gay/bi men, transfeminine genderqueer, and myself: "Those guys are so arrogant. Oh GOD, my burning eyes. Are they trying to look ATTRACTIVE? Put it away!"

We all stare at our shoes with embarrassment, and there is a pause, which I use efficaciously to purloin someone's chips.

Transfeminine genderqueer: "We're jealous, aren't we?"

Gay guy: "Of THEM? THEM??? Yes."

Other gay guy: "Because we don't fit effortlessly into socially acceptable courtship rituals."

Transfeminine genderqueer: "And they're absolute fuckwits, and they do."

Me: "And below the neck, they are actually attractive. It's all the gym time."

Everyone: "Yup."

Gay guy: "This is like high school."

It's not really like my high school, because no-one's thought it necessary to put up signs declaiming that there's no safe place to stab someone, but I can sort of see his point.

What's my own, particular jealous thought?

"The facial hair. Those guys can grow facial hair. Why can't I grow facial hair? Posh twats with their facial hair. Hirsute posh twats. Them and their beard-opportunities."

I keep that to myself, however. Everyone already thinks I talk about the world of facial fuzz too much.

I have, honestly, no idea why I just recounted that.

Might as well post it.