Sunday, 13 July 2008

Wherein Olli is a hypocrite

Hokay, so - women who explain how you'll be SO GOOD TO YOURSELF and HAPPY and FULFILLED if only you think *just* like them...

Now, I know that the Powers that Be do that a lot, obviously, but it's somehow worse when given as friendly advice from people who should know better (supposedly feminist women).

Now, some could accuse me of hypocrisy - in the last year or so, I've told several women to leave partners/friends who were very obviously abusive. I haven't minced my words or abided by social niceties in any way.

Well, I might be a hypocrite, but I honestly don't care. There is a difference between women whose mental health is questionable owing to abuse, and women who are capable of making their own decisions. If you're the sort of "feminist" who doesn't agree, I will not start a dialogue with you, as *you* are deeply misogynistic.

So, Gareth and I are monoamorous, and I don't see that changing any time soon. Gareth's happy as he is, and I don't meet people as marriageable as him every day of the week. Or ever (if they were roaming the streets in dozens, we'd happily navigate a poly relationship).

Sexually, however, it's less clear-cut. If one of us wants sexual contact with someone, we have to gain both the consent of that person and our partner. If we don't get the consent of that partner, the other person must be immediately forgotten.

If I would feel jealous, I would say no. If Gareth would feel jealous, he would say no. If either of us didn't abide by a "no", we would be cheaters, the vilest of people.

If you think that you would sleep with EVERYONE IN THE WORLD in that kind of relationship, because it's AWESOME, you might be wrong... Our conquests each are seriously well in the lower half of single digits.

Because we don't fancy that many people.

And not many people fancy us.

And we both have lower than average libidos.

And we're both on the autism spectrum, so are unskilled in the art of seduction...

And we feel jealousy sometimes, like normal humans often do.

Now, we have rows and upsets. But they have never, ever been about anything to do with extramarital attraction, because we have the aforementioned arrangement, like, y'know, mature adults.

Why am I telling the world this? Because I don't want people to see me flirting with another human and think I'm cheating scum.

Because of not being cheating scum and all.

Also, I don't really like secrets - they resemble non-white lies too much.

On to this conversation, in which I have tried to break the arrangement gently to several people, all of whom have been women who are proud of being strong feminists who know their own minds:

"I wouldn't mind if Gareth slept with somebody else, as long as I'd consented beforehand,"

"Yes, you would. You would be hurt."

Well, as long as I know my own mind in this *purely hypothetical* situation that is, of course, *purely hypothetical* and has not been tested in practise in any way.

It always seems to be under a "we're all women here! And men are BASTARDS who will TAKE ADVANTAGE of you, ALWAYS, ALL MEN, ALL THE TIME, and you are an innocent little flower who couldn't possibly FIND THE IDEA ATTRACTIVE SOMETIMES because that would be like AROUSAL, and we're ACTUALLY IN EIGHTEEN-FIFTY-EIGHT" subtext.

And no, it's not different for me because I don't ID as a woman, and "gay men can do that sort of thing". Many women are consensually nonmonogamous! Many women are polyamorous! They are real women, not crazy loons who live solely in the imaginations of straight men.

Of course, females in poly relationships must have this nonsense much worse, and it must hurt worse because they're actually in love with their other partners. It's pure virgin-whore dichotomy patriarchal nonsense - and, of course, pure SEX! THE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVAR! I WILL OBSESS OVER IT 4 U! disguised as "Honestly, these people are sex-obsessed".

Because we've *never* seen that attitude in sexism... homophobia... transphobia... everything that's bad.

On to happier subjects - we played D&D today, and had many encounters of the random (draconic) kind. And lots of food and good coffee. I need to do something nice for the people who made us all the food and coffee.

1 comment:

Gareth said...

I will come to the main body of the post later, but just to let people know that the random encounters were in fact random as determined by the roll of a die as opposed to "random"...

kids today and their language...